


And you can tell me how vile I already know that I am

by ToshiChan



Category: Dex Hamilton: Alien Entomologist (Cartoon)
Genre: Abuse, Aftermath of Torture, Angst, Families of Choice, Flashbacks, Gen, Genetically Engineered Beings, Healing, Hopeful Ending, Human Experimentation, Hurt/Comfort, Mild Language, Non-Consensual Drug Use, Panic Attacks, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Psychological Trauma, Recovery, Torture
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-14
Updated: 2019-10-14
Packaged: 2020-12-16 02:14:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,327
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21028592
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ToshiChan/pseuds/ToshiChan
Summary: “Frogs and hot weather don’t go together. Like Zap and people.”Yeah, there’s a reason for that.Or: Zap does remember how he got to be a human bug hybrid. He remembers all too well.





	And you can tell me how vile I already know that I am

**Author's Note:**

> Warnings for semi-detailed descriptions of torture

Dex starts leading tours around Hamilton Habitat about a year after Zap joins the team. It’s nothing more than a desperate attempt at damage control, trying to justify to the Mayor that he shouldn’t shut them down because they’re ‘dangerous’ or because their research is ‘unnecessary’. Dex doesn’t charge for the tours, just asks that those who come drop a gold coin in their donations box, which means schools latch onto the idea of a free place to take their bratty kids on an excursion to.

Zap hates this.

As the team are all too happy to bring up, Zap does not do well with people. It’s a bit of a mutual thing. He’s aggressive, sharp and unenthusiastic, all traits that tend to leave humans (he can call them that since, you know, he’s not technically one) unsettled. People wear thin on his patience. He doesn’t have the temperament to entertain questions like Dex does, or the ability to rant and rave on about various bits of information like Jenny. He’s not funny like Tung. Dex expects him to be enthusiastic and engaging but he just can’t.

But it’s not just that.

Anytime kids come to the habitat for a tour, Dex will inevitably bring up the fact that Zap is a hybrid as though it’s some sort of fun fact that people will find interesting.

Some kids do find this interesting. They beg to see his wings, ask him to fly around and show off so they can ‘ooh’ and ‘ahh’ over how amazing he apparently is. They always want to touch the wings, ignorant to just how thin and delicate they are. Zap usually has to let them (Dex has killer puppy-dog eyes).

Other kids are less receptive. They’ll shrink back, scared and afraid of what Zap might do. They’ve been told that bugs are gross and scary, and if that’s true, then what does that make Zap. A kid cried once and couldn’t be convinced to be stopped.

The teachers and parents are the worst though. They raise their eyebrows, exchange concerned looks and start whispering. They discuss the ethics of him, worry about how much control he has over his insect half, ponder if he should be locked up with the rest of the bugs. They hurry the children along and away from him.

It’s cruel but it’s not like Zap can disagree.

Still, he has asked Dex if he can stop bringing up the whole ‘half human, half bug’ thing on tours. Dex doesn’t get it though. None of the team does. They think Zap was born, a freak of nature perhaps but nothing to worry about when the rest of them were just as weird. They don’t know Zap’s past, and that’s a good thing, he doesn’t want them to.

Still, every time he’s presented to another bus load of kids and told to show off his wings, to tell them about connecting with bugs and flying around, he’ll hear another voice in his head.

_ “Show them your wings, Experiment Beta One. Show them what you can do.” _

He’ll hear it, and he’ll shiver.

* * *

Meeting Syrrus is perhaps the worst thing Zap has ever experienced since his escape. It’s not just that the guy’s creepy or evil, though those things certainly help. It was the whole…bug mind controlling thing.

When Syrrus had looked at Zap and cocked his finger, the two halves of Zap which usually existed peacefully suddenly broke out in a full-on war. The insect part of him wanted to bow to Syrrus’ control, and for a moment it had. Zap had been powerless to do anything but let Syrrus move him like a plaything. The human part meanwhile, had wanted to remain free and independent, which it eventually had, though not before he’d nearly been convinced to brain Dex with a brick. For a moment, Zap had been afraid he wouldn’t be able to break out of Syrrus’ control in time.

The idea that there was someone else out there who could reach inside Zap (someone else apart from  _ him)  _ and play around with the two parts of him had not been an easy idea to process. He’d had nightmares for weeks after it, usually ending up in a cocoon on the roof which did nothing to settle his growing nerves about his insect part.

Yes, Zap had resisted. Yes, he’d escaped Syrrus’ control. Yes, his human half was in control.

But what about next time they met? Would it be different?

For all Zap knew, the struggle going on inside him might not always be entirely equal. If Syrrus got him on a day where the insect part of him was more in control, then what would happen then?

* * *

Sometimes it was even hard for Zap to get along with the team. They were all friends and spent pretty much all their time together but that could often get too much for Zap. Being close to people constantly, even if they were his friends, could set something off inside him, could send him spiralling back to before.

And one such day, it did.

They’re deep in the compound, standing around one of their enclosures while Dex gives a lecture on one of their latest finds. Zap has been feigning interest for a while. Dex has already made this spiel multiple times while they were out on the actual bug hunting expedition and it hasn’t suddenly gotten interesting the fifth time around. Even Jenny is yawning, and she’s usually happy enough to indulge Dex in return for him listening to her rants.

During one particular moment, Tung keels over sideways into Zap as he finally falls asleep (a thing he’d been threatening to do throughout Dex’s entire talk) at the same time Jenny goes to give Zap a friendly elbow as Dex made reference to something the two had found funny during the original speech. It’s enough contact to send Zap back in time.

_ He’s lying on a table. It’s cold against his back. He’s not wearing any clothes and there are metal restraints around his arms, chest and legs, holding him down. _

_ He doesn’t know how he knows these things. Nobody ever taught them to him. They’re just there, inside him, bundled up with everything else. _

_ A needle pricks his skin. It hurts but he’s used to it. _

_ Fingers brush down his sides and he tries to pull away, only he’s held down so tight he can’t. _

_ He knows things now. He used to not know things. He used to lie there and lets things happen but now he knows things and he knows he doesn’t like this. _

_ The fingers drift up his body and up his face where they hook in his mouth. They pull his lips down to examine the pincers that have been growing in. Before he can stop himself, he bites down. _

_ The fingers recoil. Someone’s yelling but it’s not him so he’s not too concerned. He’s tired of yelling, of screaming, of being in pain. _

_ When’s it going to end? _

Zap’s eyes shoot open and he knows instantly he’s not  _ there  _ anymore. The team is crowded around him, probably because he’s lying on the ground. That doesn’t mean they’re not too close, because they are and they need to move right now!

“Stay away!” He yells before he can stop himself. He springs to his feet and is dully pleased to see his three friends jump back. His wings are out before he can stop them and he’s flying away, far away from the questions and the stares and the brushes against skin, so familiar to the fingers that used to touch him, too familiar to that.

“Zap, come back!” Dex calls after him but Zap can’t do that. He can’t obey orders right now, can’t let himself be controlled like that.

“Let him go.” Jenny whispers but Zap’s advanced hearing picks it up anyway.

He’s glad. At least there’s one person who will give him space.

* * *

When Dex asks him about where he came from, Zap lies.

He’s sick, bundled in a blanket and being force fed some sort of icky hot concoction Jenny swore was tea (and definitely wasn’t) and Dex is in his face, asking personal questions. So Zap does the only obvious thing and lies.

“I don’t know.” He says.

Lie. He knows all too well.

They’ll work it out eventually. It’s only a matter of time. He let them believe he didn’t remember his past when really, it’s all he can think about.

Zap wasn’t naive enough to believe they’d never find out. After all, his past is sort of obvious when you stop to think about it. It’s not like one of his parents was human and the other was a bug. Genetic mutation, illegal experimentation…that’s the only possible answer. Zap just decided never to tell the truth and hope the others got confused enough about how he could possibly exist to not mention it.

Now, it looks like it’s all going to come out.

The things inside him…they’re at war. There’s this pain in his head and he doesn’t know what to do about it. He can feel the extra bits of him beneath the skin, ready and waiting to come out. He knows he can’t hold them back for much longer. Dex and Jenny could help him, if he let them. If they knew where he came from, they could stop this before it had a chance to happen.

He lies anyway though.

_ Fingers on him… _

_ No clothes, naked, exposed… _

_ “Show us your wings, Experiment Beta One.” _

_ Needles _

_ Wings _

_ His blood’s on fire _

_ Hurts _

_ “You’ve ruined everything!” _

_ “Let me go.” _

_ “I will never let you go!” _

_ Fingers on him and they won’t stop, they never stop, it’s wrong and he knows it’s wrong but why won’t they stop _

He lies.

“I already told you.” He says. “I don’t remember anything.”

Lie. He remembers too much.

(The insect part of him rips free and Jenny goes to see Doctor Monogan and Zap’s too busy destroying everything to stop her)

* * *

They know.

He knows they know and he knows they know he knows.

Nobody’s talking about it.

There was a city to clean up and tests to run and slugs to watch apparently and yet now that that’s all done, nobody’s talking about it.

Zap isn’t sure whether he’s happy about that, or not.

Jenny is tiptoeing around him which is aggravating. Tung is keeping him under watch almost all the time which is close to tipping him over the edge. And Dex is being Dex but with the energy upped by ten in some sort of weird overcompensation.

Okay, Zap knows now. He’s not happy.

This is stupid, seriously. Jenny doesn’t need to avoid him, Tung doesn’t need to scrutinise him and Dex certainly doesn’t need to act like nothing happened, because something did happen and now they all know.

He’s no more human than Jenny is, or Tung is. He wasn’t born, he was made. He was meant to be a weapon. A few weeks ago, he came terrifyingly close to finally fulfilling his purpose. The city is still recovering. The Mayor hasn’t decided what to do yet.

And Zap…Zap’s s _ cared. _

He hates people. He really does. He hates what Doctor Monogan did to him, hates that he still calls himself Zap Monogan despite this. He hates nearly everything about himself just as much as he hates humanity. That doesn’t mean he wants the others to stop talking to him.

He goes to find Jenny eventually, stuck inside the habitat until further notice thanks to what he did (He can’t blame the Mayor, he really can’t) because even if she’s avoiding him, they need to talk.

Surprisingly (not) she’s in her lab, tinkering away with what’s sure to be a dangerous prototype that she’ll inevitably abandon before it’s finished for a different dangerous prototype.

“Can we talk?” He asks, surprised the words came out at all.

Jenny stiffens at the sound of his voice. The entirely human part of Zap tells him it’s because she’s scared of him and what he did. He expects she’ll ask him to leave.

She doesn’t.

“Okay.” She says. She sits down and finally, finally looks at him. “What do you want to talk about.”

Zap hadn’t thought he’d get this far. The question stumps him. “I…” He needs Jenny to start talking. She’s good at it. He needs her to have something to say to him, because she’s the one who’s been avoiding him.

“You knew.” Jenny says finally, probably sensing that Zap wanted her to make the first move.

“What?”

“You knew.” She repeats. “You remembered. You lied to us. You knew where you came from, you didn’t forget.”

“How…”

“Your last name.” Jenny’s lips tweak into a small smile. “You use his last name.”

Zap flinches.

“You don’t have to.” Jenny says quickly. She’s noticed the flinch. “You can change it.”

Zap looks away. That’s something he’ll deal with another time. Right now, it’s the tension between him and Jenny that he can’t handle.

“Why have you been avoiding me?” He bursts out before he can change his mind about this whole thing and fly away.

This time, it’s Jenny who flinches. “I…yeah, I have been doing that.” She looks down at the pile of wires in her lap and starts to fiddle with them.

“If it’s because of what I did, I understand.” Zap isn’t used to getting this serious with his friends. He’s not good at being emotional. After all, it’s when he gets emotional that things go wrong.

_ “It’s too emotional! You can’t control it!” _

_ “Who says I want to be controlled?” _

_ “See! Look how it back talks. This experiment is a failure, Doctor Monogan. Take it away.” _

“It’s not that.” Jenny cuts through the memory. “Please, don’t think it’s that. It’s just…Zap…you don’t like it when we try and talk about this stuff with you. I thought the best thing to do was give you some space.”

It hurts, but he understands. Zap has spent all his time at the habitat making sure the others can’t get too close to him. It shouldn’t be surprising to hear that at least one of them is trying to respect his boundaries. It’s his own fault that he’s suddenly realised this isn’t the time for boundaries.

“Sorry.” Zap whispers. “I thought maybe…”

“Zap, I don’t hate you.” Jenny says fiercely. “I hate Doctor Monogan, god he’s a creep, and I hate what he did to you, but I don’t hate you. We’re friends, silly.”

“Did he try to hurt you?” Zap says as he remembers suddenly that Jenny had had to go meet the man to try and work out why Zap had gone on a rampage.

Jenny shivers. “He’s not a good guy, Zap. But of course, you know that. He…he knew I was a Jenny and he wanted to experiment on me. It was a close call but I got out of there with some help.”

Anger bursts to life inside of Zap. “I’ll kill him.” He swears. His wings shoot out from his back and he can feel his pincers struggling to break free.

“No, Zap, don’t!” Jenny leaps up and rushes to him. “Calm down, it’s okay. He can’t find us here. Please…don’t go back to him Zap. Getting away from him was the best thing that’s ever happened to you. You can’t go back, please. What he did to you was horrible. I don’t want it to happen again.”

She wraps her arms around him in a tight hug and they sink to the ground. His wings retreat and he can feel tears building up in his eyes, tears he desperately tries to fight back.

“Please.” She whispers. “Don’t go back.”

“I won’t.” He says, and it’s a promise, one for him just as much as it is to her.

* * *

The Mayor wants to have Zap locked up. He and Dex spend a good few weeks arguing about it. The Mayor thinks that it’s okay to lock Zap up, explains that he’ll even allow it to be at the habitat. Dex screams back that Zap is a human, that what happened was actually the fault of Doctor Monogan and that if the Mayor even thinks about it, Dex will set his most dangerous bugs free in the Mayor’s house.

Zap doesn’t sleep properly until they come to an agreement and even then, it feels as though his hold on freedom is nothing more than a tentative grip that he’s slowly losing hold of.

* * *

It’s rare that Zap will ever feel pride in what he does. How could he, when he was made to be a weapon, created to destroy. He hates having to rip things apart and get his hands dirty when things get a little crazy in their bug hunting escapades. The wings he can deal with. They’re cool, they’re reliable. It’s the strength he can’t stand.

Still, when he rips the light post from the ground and slams it into the dumpster to try and stop the spiders, he can’t help but feel good. He’s done something right, avoided minimal damage and it does feel sort of nice to get to use his strength.

Dex and Tung brush it off like it’s nothing. In fact, it feels like they’re angry at him.

Zap supposes that to them, it probably is. It’s not like he knows how to express himself.

It’s not like he belongs.

* * *

When Black Widow pins him to the ground with her webs, something inside Zap breaks.

He’s back on the table, held down by metal, drugs sluicing through his veins.

He’s in a cave under the city, trapped under webs.

He’s both here and there, trapped between the two places.

Black Widow is talking but all he can hear is  _ him. _

_ “This will hurt less if you hold still.” _

Lie.

_ “You’re my pride and joy.” _

Lie.

_ “You’re so perfect.” _

LIE!

He’s started screaming at some point and now he can’t stop. He’s thrashing back and forth, trying to break free of the webs but they’re too strong. He can’t break loose, he can’t get free. He’s stuck! He can’t move! He’s trapped!

_ “Let me go.” _

_ “I will never let you go.” _

_ Fingers, brushing him. _

Spiders, crawling on him.

He can’t separate the past from reality. He can’t get free.

_ His breath in his ear. _

Spiders on his face.

_ Fingers hooked in his mouth. _

Spiders, forcing themselves down his throat.

He’s still screaming until the end.

It goes black.

* * *

“Do you want to talk about it?” It’s Dex at his door, awkward as always when stuff like this happens.

“What?”

“Jenny said you might want to.”

Zap sighs. Of course she’d said that. Ever since he’d come to her after the whole bug-gone-wild thing, Jenny has been much more insistent in getting Zap to open up. And now, it seems as though she’s recruited Dex.

(God help Zap on the day she asks Tung)

“I’m fine.” Zap grits out.

It’s a lie, as usual. He can still feel the phantom touch of the webs on his skin, the ground against his back, the spiders forcing their way down his throat.

“It’s okay if you’re not.” Dex says, still hovering. He probably wants to be asked in.

“Thanks.” Zap says instead. He wants this to be over as quickly as possible. “For, you know, saving me.”

“Anytime.” Dex says seriously. “Can I come in?”

Zap barely manages to hold back a groan. Looks like Dex is determined to drag this out for as long as he possibly can.

“Sure.” Zap’s trying to be nicer, trying to stop his brain from thinking that he deserves it when the others get angry at him.

_ “Please…stop.” _

_ “Why would I? You’re mine.” _

_ “It hurts.” _

_ “You deserve it.” _

“When I found you…” Dex says carefully once he’s settled down next to Zap on his bed. “You were screaming. You didn’t even know I’d arrived.”

Zap remembers being held down, remembers the spiders crawling all over him, remembers screaming until he blacked out and then waking up with Dex standing over him.

“Yeah, sounds right.”

“Was it because you were being held down?” Dex presses. “Did it remind you of when…”

“When I was made?” He snaps before he can stop himself. “Yes, Dex, it did. It reminded me of being trapped, unable to move just so that man could stick things in me and touch me and hurt me. That’s why I started screaming. I thought I was back there. The webs became the metal restraints and the spiders became  _ his  _ fingers. I thought that maybe I’d never escaped after all and this had all just been a dream, so yeah, I fucking screamed. Happy?”

Dex looks sick. “No. Not at all.”

Zap sits down (when had he stood up) and puts his head in his hands.

“Please, Dex, just leave me alone.”

“I can’t do that.” Dex says seriously.

“Oh, you think I’m gonna hurt myself?” It’s meant to come out angry but the words are weak in Zap’s ears.

“Maybe.”

“Well I won’t.”

“Alright.” Dex remains sitting there on Zap’s bed.

“Dex, fuck off.”

“I’m not leaving you alone, Zap.”

“Please!”

_ “Please, stop!” _

_ “You’re begging? Pathetic. I made you to be better than this.” _

_ “I’ll do anything.” _

_ “Yes, you will.” _

“Dex, I need to know that I have control out here.” The words pour from Zap’s mouth. “I need to know I have the freedom to leave, and the freedom to be left alone. You can’t do this to me. It’s what  _ he  _ did. He never left me alone. Please…don’t be him. I don’t want you to be him.”

“Oh…” Dex stares sadly at Zap. “I didn’t mean to…I’m sorry.”

He leaves before Zap can find anything else to say.

_ It’s alright. I’m the one who should be sorry. I’m sorry I’m like this. You’re not him. You’ll never be him. You can come back later. I’m sorry. _

* * *

It’s Zap’s week to do the grocery shopping. He hasn’t been able to do it the past few times it was his turn, considering he was under house arrest. Now, Dex and the Mayor have come to an agreement which has in turn, resulted in Jenny pushing a list into his hands and sending him out the door, glad she didn’t have to go out in his place again.

Zap hates going shopping. There’s too many people and it’s all too much for him, but he’s also not a fan of using his weaknesses as an excuse not to do things. The only way to get past this, he figures, is to just get over it and do the things he hates so he can get used to it.

It’s an easy thing to say when he’s still back at the habitat going over the shopping list. Now that he’s at the shopping centre, stuck in the thick of it all, suddenly a little part of him wants to have played the ‘I’m scared of people because of the years of physical abuse I went through’ card. Nobody’s paying any attention to him but it feels as though that could change at any second.

Yeah…Zap’s really not good with people.

He tries to get the shopping done as quickly as possible, but it’s been so long since it was his turn that he gets turned around in the store. He can’t seem to find the right things, keeps ending up in the same aisles and his damn trolley has a rogue wheel that keeps wanting to drag the whole cart into the shelves. Zap is cursing at it quietly and trying to use his strength to get it under control but its like it has a mind of its own.

This must look pretty pathetic to any onlookers because suddenly there’s a shop assistant right next to him, eyes wide behind her glasses as she smiles brightly at him. Zap flinches away from her, can’t help it really, doesn’t like being surprised from behind, but she doesn’t seem to notice.

(Zap’s been spoiled, living with Jenny who picks up on all his subtle movements)

“Can I help you?” She asks cheerily.

“No.” Zap bites, then reconsiders. “Thanks.”

This should be the end of the conversation. It’s a clear dismissal, and yet the lady remains there.

“Are you sure? You look like you’ve gotten a bit lost.”

“I can handle it.” Zap tenses up, ready for fight or flight which is just ridiculous. This is a civilian doing her job and yet Zap is treating her like the enemy.

(She is. Humans are the enemy. Humans want to hurt him and lock him up and kill him)

“You’ll probably be out of here much quicker if you let me help.” She insists.

Ah, so that’s it. She’s been instructed to get Zap out of the shop. The customers have been complaining that he’s creepy and aggressive and that they’re scared, so this poor girl has been saddled with the task of kicking him out.

“I’m fine.” He grits out.

“Sir,” she says, voice serious. “You look like you’re about to have a panic attack. Trust me, I’ve been there. I think if I leave you alone, it’ll happen and none of us want that, especially you. Let me help you and then you’ll be out of here before you know it.”

Zap is rendered speechless. In fact, he suddenly finds himself incapable of doing anything except staring at the girl.

“I…” He starts, and then stops.

“Yeah?” She gives him a warm smile. Maybe she was more like Jenny than he thought.

“Okay.” He says, because it dawns on him that she’s right, that he’s seconds away from breaking down and he can’t give the mayor another reason why he should be locked up. “Thanks.”

The girl takes his list and leads him through the store with ease and even opens a closed register to help him pay and then he’s out and free and he doesn’t have anything to say except thank-you.

“Thank you.” He says.

She smiles, bright and cheery. “People like us have to stick together.”

It should upset Zap. Another reason why he’s a mess, but he just smiles back, smaller than hers but a smile nonetheless.

“Yeah. I guess we do.”

* * *

“Syrrus was spotted a few galaxies away.” Dex sits them all down one day, a serious look on his face. “And they’ve got a government team going after him, but they need us to come to deal with the insects.”

Zap’s heart sinks. He’s avoided another interaction with Syrrus since the first one but it looks like his luck has run finally out.

Dex keeps talking but Zap can’t hear him all of a sudden. When he looks down, he realises his hands are shaking. The blood is pounding in his ears and suddenly the bug parts of him are fighting to come out, just like they had when Syrrus had first reached inside him and tried to take control.

Jenny’s speaking now, probably talking about what equipment to bring. They’ll be expecting Zap to chime in soon, but he can’t find any words inside him (there’s only bugs and they’d be all too happy to come out).

Do they know how much meeting Syrrus has affected him? Are they aware of the nightmares he has, the way the mere sight of the man has him breaking out in a cold sweat? Probably not. After all, it’s the same old story. Zap doesn’t tell them anything. They can’t be aware that Zap is terribly, awfully afraid of Syrrus, simply because its not in his nature to tell them things.

After all, it’s not like Doctor Monogan ever listened to him. It’s hard to get used to opening up around people when the first thirteen or so years of your life were spent being ignored, mistreated, tortured. It’s not Zap’s way to just share things. Doing so never earned him anything but pain in the past.

_ “I’m scared…what if they don’t like me.” _

_ He hits him. “If they do, it’ll be your fault. You’re meant to be a weapon. And look at you. Fucking pathetic. Don’t worry about them liking you. You need to scare them. Understand? Understand!” _

Zap understands perfectly.

It’s not just the Syrrus thing that’s bad though. Dex says they’re expected to work with the government. Zap doesn’t trust the government. After all, it was the government who commissioned Doctor Monogan to fashion a hybrid human big creature which resulted in his creation. They think they’re the good guys but they’re just as rotten as every other human, perhaps even more.

God, does Zap want to sit this one out.

Dex lets them do that sometimes. Lets them take a break, sit a mission out, get some much-needed rest and recuperation. Zap is usually more of a reluctant participant in these breaks, Dex usually has to force him to take one, but he is honestly so close to opening his mouth and asking to stay back.

But…the team needs him. Syrrus and his bugs are too strong to be tackled alone. If they’re gonna defeat him, Zap needs to be there to help.

So he swallows down his fear and forces his hands to stop shaking and nods along to everything Dex says, regardless of if he heard it or not.

Maybe, if his luck holds out for a bit longer, Syrrus will have moved on to a different galaxy by then and Zap won’t have to face him at all.

* * *

“Hey Jenny.” Zap sticks his head into the lab. It’s three in the morning and they should both be in bed, but Jenny rarely ever sleeps (doesn’t need to much, it’s not programmed into her) and Zap had been in bed, but a series of nightmares have left him shaky and afraid.

“Hi.” Jenny says absently. All her attention is directed on the device in front of her. It;s clear that she doesn’t want to be bothered, something Zap understand perfectly, but he’s just had this awful thought and she’s the only one who can help put it to rest.

“Can I ask you something quickly?”

This gets her attention. “You’re asking permission? Where’s Zap and what have you done with him?”

It’s a weak joke, and they both know it, but Zap laughs anyway.

“Can I?” He says again, because he really doesn’t want to bother her. Jenny’s right in that Zap usually just ploughs through any conversation so he can get it over and done with as quickly as possible, but sometimes he finds himself unable to do that. A lifetime of conditioning -of being punished for speaking out of turn or doing things without permission- can be hard to move past.

“Sure.” Jenny’s attention is back on her latest gadget, but she sounds less distracted, more attentive.

Zap folds his arms tightly across his chest and tries to think of the best way to say this.

“When you saw…him…Doctor Monogan…did you tell him where we were?”

“Hmm?” Jenny looks up again. “As in…?”

“Did you tell him what planet we were on?”

“No.” Jenny says slowly, setting her tools down. “But I mean, he’d have to assume we’re based on Earth. It still is the only truly inhabited planet for humans.”

It’s not the answer Zap wanted. His heart thumps urgently in his chest. If Jenny was right, and  _ he  _ knew where Zap was, that meant that he could just…come for Zap anytime he liked.

Silence falls over the lab. Jenny’s full attention is back on her experiments, seemingly oblivious to the bomb she’s just set off, while Zap is quietly trying to prevent an oncoming panic attack. It’d be better if he just left and found a quiet place in the habitat to breakdown, but he doesn’t think his legs are going to work right now.

“Jenny…” He croaks and her head snaps up.

“Cripes, Zap, what’s wrong?”

“He could come here.” Zap clenches his hands into fists and holds them tight, nails digging into his skin. “He could find me.”

“What? Oh, Zap, no. He couldn’t. The moment he leaves the good for nothing planet he’s on, the authorities will snap him right up. He won’t risk it.”

“He might, for me.” Zap whispers. It’s weird that he’s not yelling, but it’s not like his voice is working either. He’s paralysed, stuck in place by fear. “He’s clever. He could avoid them.”

“No.” Jenny says again, firmer this time. She stands up and walks over to Zap, stopping before she can properly invade his personal space. “He won’t. When I met him, he was entirely dismissive of you. He’s moved on.”

Zap’s laugh is bitter and weak. “But I haven’t.”

Jenny’s eyes flash. “This isn’t your fault, Zap. It’s easy for him to move on. He’s a monster. What he did to you was horrible. Nobody expects you to just get over it. How long ago did you escape him? It hasn’t even been two years. It’s okay to be scared.”

“But I need to be better.” Zap wills her to understand. “This is so stupid. I’m so weak and pathetic.”

“No, Zap, you’re not.” Jenny says softly. “You’re the strongest person I know. You’re so brave, living with this.”

“I’m not.” Zap’s voice cracks. “Look at me, bothering you because I’m too stupid to think properly.”

“Being self-pitying isn’t like you.” Jenny sighs.

“Don’t say that!” Zap yells.

_ “You’re hurting me. Please, I’m scared.” _

_ “Being self-pitying isn’t like you. I thought I made you to be better than that.” _

“I’m sorry.” Jenny’s eyes are wide, pleading, but Zap can’t focus on her right now. He’s too busy trying to pull himself free from the flashbacks.

_ “Do I have to? I’m not good at this.” _

_ “And you never will be unless you actually follow my orders. Stop being so fucking self-absorbed. Self-pity is not a good look on you.” _

“I have to go.” Zap says once he finds his words.

She lets him.

* * *

“I’m sorry.” She says later.

“I didn’t know.” She says later.

“I’ll never say it again.” She says later.

“It’s fine.” He says.

“I understand.” He says.

“It’s not your fault.” He says.

_ It’s mine. _

* * *

Zap and Tung roughhouse a lot. Boys stuff, Jenny calls it with a despairing roll of her eyes. It’s all in good jest, nothing serious. They’ll muck around with Jenny’s latest inventions to test them for her and chase each other through the corridors of the habitat just to let off steam and keep in shape. There’s never any pressure to turn it into something deeper, something it’s not. Zap would rather take on a whole colony of Devil Banshees alone then admit he likes his time with Tung, but he gets the idea that the others know anyway.

They never agree to a certain time or place. They’ll just fall into it. Tung will find Zap or Zap will find Tung and then they’re suddenly wrestling or racing each other or whatever else it is that will sate their somewhat endless energy. Dex will try to stop then sometimes, usually if they end up between him and whatever new bug he’s fawning over, but he’s never too serious about it. Zap thinks Jenny might have pulled him aside once and told him to let them be. It’s surprising that she would, since she’s often just as annoyed, but it probably has something to do with how they’re all tiptoeing around Zap lately.

(He hates it, he hates it so much, but it’s not like he wants to talk about it, so he just pretends it isn’t a thing)

They’re mucking around one day, playing a weird hybrid game of hide and seek through the section of the habitat with the small terrariums (Dex has banned them from the larger enclosures but it’s not like they’d want to go in there, what with all the dangerous bugs running wild) when Tung bursts out from behind one of the glass tubes and slams into Zap. They both topple over and when the brief moment of pain passes, Zap realises that Tung is on top of him, pinning him to the ground.

He acts before he has a chance to think, a chance to properly register what is going on, drawing back his fist and punching Tung squarely in the face. There’s a crack, and Tung goes flying back. Zap springs to his feet. His body is flooding with adrenaline and his wings have burst out like they always do when he feels threatened. Tung had been on top of him, pinning him down, keeping him there.

Then, his common-sense kicks in.

_ Tung  _ had been on top of him. Not Doctor Monogan.  _ Tung.  _ Zap reacted poorly and now he’s probably caved Tung’s entire face in, what with his super strength.

“Tung!” He finds his words and they erupt as a panicked cry. “Tung, are you okay?”

Zap’s at his side in a second, trying to lift him, support him. He prays (something he never ever does, because why would he believe in a god) that he’ll find a pulse, find anything to indicate that Tung is alive.

He finds it.

In fact, Tung is conscious. He blinks in confusion at Zap. The horrible cracking noise had been from his goggles which appear to have taken all the damage.

“Why are we cuddling?” The frog-boy asks.

Zap is too relieved to let go. “I thought I hurt you.”

“Dude, I’m fine.” Tung croaks. “What gives? We’re just playing like we always do.”

Sometimes Zap forgets that Tung is just as strong as he is.

“Yeah.” Zap pulls away finally. “Sorry.”

“Oh.” The confusion on Tung’s face clears. It seems he’s picked up on what had Zap so freaked out. “Dude, I know you’d never hurt me on purpose.”

“I hurt you guys all the time.” Zap says miserably. “I thought that this was the time I went too far.”

“Buy me new goggles and all will be forgiven.” Tung jokes (or maybe he’s serious, it’s hard to tell with Tung). He sits up properly now and fixes Zap with an odd look, eyes distorted behind the cracked red glass of the goggles. “Dude, everything’s fine now. I’m fine. You’re fine. Nothing’s wrong.”

Zap swallows the lump in his throat and nods.

“You didn’t hurt me.” Tung continues. “We were just playing. I’m the one who invaded your boundaries. I won’t do it again. Okay?”

“Okay.” Zap can only nod.

Tung shuffles over so they’re next to each other. They spend the rest of the day just sitting there quietly, together. The bugs in their enclosures buzz and hum around them. Dex walks past at one point and doesn’t say anything, just smiles and waves before vanishing again. Tung leans into Zap at one point, tentative at first but growing more relaxed when Zap doesn’t protest.

It’s the best Zap has felt in a long time.

* * *

“What did he do to you?” Dex asks one day, after they’d had to head into town to face some mutated millipedes blocking traffic. A well-meaning but slightly addled citizen had mistaken Zap for another invading bug and had tried (and succeeded, since all of Zap’s attention had been on the millipedes) to hit the hybrid with his car.

“Well, Dex, he hit me with his car.” Zap says, wincing as he clumsily sticks a bandaid against a scrape on his arm. It’d be easier if Jenny was here to help but her sole focus is on analysing the millipedes to work out what mutated them.

“Not that guy.” Dex says, rolling his eyes. “Doctor Monogan.”

Zap stiffens instantly. His hands still over the first aid kit and he can feel his blood run cold.

“W-why ask now?” He stutters.

“You let that guy hit you with his car, and then you let him start yelling all sorts of awful things at you. Normally you’d just yell back.”

“Why does this have anything to do with Doctor Monogan?” Zap grumbles, trying and failing to appear disinterested.

“You tell me.” Dex challenges him.

Zap sighs and returns his attention to the various bumps and bruises he picked up from the collision. He hopes that if he stays silent for long enough, Dex will just drop it.

He doesn’t.

“Zap,” Dex says, and it’s a plead. “Please. I know you like your privacy and I respect that but you’re getting worse. We’re all worried. We just want to make sure you’re okay.”

“What do you want me to say?” Zap asks flatly. “That he made me just so he could use me and hurt me and torture me? That everyday with him was a living hell? That I have all these stupid hang ups because I still can’t get over what he did to me?”

“I just want to know so I can help.” Dex says earnestly.

Dex is too kind for his own good. One days it;s going to get him hurt. One day, it’ll probably be Zap who hurts him.

_ No! _

It’s that thought that has him finally open his mouth and talk.

“I remember one day just suddenly becoming aware of things. I think before that, the insect part of me was in total control. I didn’t have the brain power to fully comprehend what was happening to me. And then suddenly one day, I did. I remember everything he did to me from that day onward. My memory is stupidly good, another dumb part of his programming. I get to remember every sick thing he did to me. Cause the things he did, they were sick. At least I know that now. For a while, I just assumed that it was normal. I didn’t try to fight back for a long time because I just accepted this was how things worked.

“Then he gave me a conscious or something, or hell, maybe I just developed one, and suddenly it was like I had woken up. I knew what he was doing was so wrong, and Dex,  _ fuck,  _ I was so scared. I knew what was happening now and I knew it was bad and I was so scared, but I didn’t fight back then. The most I did was ask him, beg him to stop. Even though I hated it, I didn’t know what else I could do. I never got the chance to escape. Or if I did, I never took it. He gave me super strength and I couldn’t use it because I was scared. I was made to be a weapon but I didn’t want to be one. But it was ironic, because when the day came and he took me to see the people who’d commission me,  _ fuck  _ I was a commission Dex, a product made for a high pay check…but yeah, I finally kicked up a fuss on the day that would make or break it all. I decided I wanted to break things. It felt good. It felt so good and it was so bad at the same time because I was everything they’d wanted me to be.

“But I was also too dangerous, uncontrollable, I had too much control over myself. The government, yes, the government, they were the ones who asked for me, not so good now, are they? The government rejected me and Doctor Monogan was so, so mad. He took me back to the and he spent weeks beating me and torturing me and sticking me with things, trying to change me back because he’d gone too far, he’d mucked up, he’d ruined me. I was in so much pain and I didn’t want to waste it so I turned it into anger. I hated him. I hated the government. I hated  _ people.  _ It was their fault I was like this, their fault I was born at all. He used to tell me that I could only ever be a weapon because why would anyone ever want me. I was too scary, too dangerous.

“Maybe that’s why I never tried to escape. Where else would I go? Yeah, my life fucking sucked with him, but what if it was worse out there? I didn’t want to take that risk.

“But then one day it just got too much. I couldn’t take it anymore. He wanted to do brain surgery or something. I freaked. I broke free, I channelled that pain into anger and then the anger into strength. I wasn’t going to let him cut into my head, because that was the one thing that was mine and mine alone. He could change my DNA, put things inside me, but he’d never been able to change my head. I escaped and then spent six months hiding out until you found me. You know…I agreed to fly you and Jenny that day because there were people in the garage looking for me. They wanted to take me back Dex, back to him and I’d never been more afraid in my life. I hated people and I stayed away from them and it was such a nightmare, the idea of being in  _ my  _ ship, the first thing that was truly mine, with you, but it was better than being taken back.

“Yeah, it was the best choice I’d ever made in my life but at the time, I was so afraid to show you guys who you were. I thought maybe, you’d agree with what everyone else though, that I belonged in a cage, a prison. Maybe…maybe I’m still scared of that.”

It’s the most Zap has ever spoken in his life. He regrets it almost instantly. Dex didn’t need to hear all that. It’s not like telling his whole life story will change anything. They can’t change the past. It’s done and now Zap has to deal with the hand he’s been given.

“Zap…” Dex says. His voice is strange but Zap can’t bear to look at him to try and decipher it. “I’m…”

“Don’t say you’re sorry. It’s not your fault.”

“I know.” Dex says. “I’m not saying sorry because of that. I’m saying sorry because someone has to. You didn’t deserve that. You’ll never in a million years deserve that.”

The familiar lump is back in Zap’s throat and it  _ hurts. _

“You know that, right?” Dex’s voice is pleading again. “Please, Zap, you know that. You didn’t deserve it. You never will.”

“I think so.” Zap can barely get the words out.

“Zap.” Dex has moved, is in front of him now but is also maintaining a good space between them. “Zap, you did not deserve a single thing he did to you. He hurt you so badly and I hate him so much.”

The fury in Dex’s voice startles a laugh out of Zap. Dex is not the kind of person to get so worked up. It’s a little flattering. But…

“But…” Zap hesitates. “Sometimes I think like…he made me. I get to exist because of him. Shouldn’t I just be glad that I’m here.”

“You never ever have to be grateful for him. It’s like with parents who hurt their kids. Who cares that they made them? The kids aren’t theirs. You’re not  _ his  _ Zap. The moment he made you, you became your own person. You owe him nothing.”

“But…”

“No buts, dude.”

Zap spins and sees Tung lurking at the door. There’s a flash of blue that indicates that Jenny is right behind him.

“How long have you been there?” Zap asks, panicked.

Translation: How much did you hear?

“We heard everything.” Jenny answers, once again confirming her ability to read Zap. “We wanted to know. We wanted to understand.”

“And do you now?” Zap can’t help but get angry. “Understand why I’m such a freak?!”

“Yeah.” Tung shrugs carelessly. “Just like me and Jenny and Dex. We’re all freaks, dude. Did you think we were gonna hate you or something?”

_ Yes. _

“Zap.” Jenny ventures into the room, perches next to Zap and gives him a kind look. “Thank you for telling us all that.”

“Was only meant to tell Dex.” Zap snarks.

“Would you have told us eventually?”

“…yeah…”

“I know that doesn’t excuse the fact that we listened in.” Jenny acknowledges. “And I’m sorry about that. But Zap, what happened today was bad. We need to stop that from happening again. This is the first step. We understand now. We can help.”

“How?”

“For starters, don’t be afraid to sit things out.” Dex puts on his best boss voice. “We’re not going to force you to do things if you think you can’t do them. We’re not going to get angry if you can’t come out bug hunting or you don’t want to go shopping.”

“We can learn your triggers and work to avoid them, or help you get used to them.” Jenny chips in.

“And I’ll totally make sure not to get all up in your space when we play.” Tung adds, never one to be left out.

“What you told us is good.” Jenny reaches out a tentative hand and for once, Zap doesn’t stiffen when she places it on his shoulder. “This is the beginning.”

“Of what?”

“Of recovery.”

Zap sits back on his hands and looks up the roof. He can feel Jenny’s hand on his shoulder, a light but comforting presence. Dex is still in front of him and Tung is hovering by the door, fiercely respective of Zap’s boundaries as he has been since their incident in the habitat.

Yeah. Jenny’s right.

This is the beginning.

He escaped two years ago and now he can finally start to live. 

**Author's Note:**

> I really struggled with whether to post this or not which is weird because I'm usually really gung-ho about being unashamed of writing for niche fandoms. Either way, I'm finally posting it. This show meant a lot to me as a kid and it still does today. I wish I had more ways to access because it's so nostalgic and good and would've defs had a bigger audience if it wasn't like, a weird Australian show nobody's ever heard of.
> 
> If anyone's out there still in this show, please comment and leave kudos!


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